I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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