John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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