i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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