I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
