found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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