I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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