just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
please come you make the beer taste better
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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