I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
