Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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