Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
