My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
