just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
