Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
