If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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