i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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