Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
