I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Farmville is her only friend.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
