i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Randomize
