Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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