You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize