Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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