my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
