i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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