I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
