I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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