I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
