i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
