I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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