Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
