I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
