Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
