I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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