so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
