I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
50% drunk capacity currently
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
