its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
