im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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