if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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