I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
