1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
