when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
