i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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