my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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