is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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