Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
