hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
