Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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