Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
