Pants 0. Shit 1.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
