You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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