His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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