the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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