He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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