Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
