found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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