I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
