I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Couch. On fire.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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