just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
